We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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