woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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