The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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