Church boner. Awkwardddd
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
