my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
