you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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