hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Your cock deserves a montage
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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