shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
pray to the hookup gods
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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