Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can't put those talents on a resume
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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