I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
