When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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