I wish I could teleport
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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