Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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