eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
