Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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