he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
