I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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