i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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