dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
