I will die if light touches me.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
