Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
