you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
