Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
