theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
