I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
did you just send me my own nude
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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