Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
