I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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