Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
