took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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