Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
