maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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