I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
