dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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