i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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