So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
