i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
