I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
