I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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