do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
