Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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