So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
