and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
