There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
