It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
