I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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