I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
