at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
