I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So much rum. So many feels.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
