There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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