apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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