tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
