Soap is not a condiment
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
