Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
