I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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