remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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