3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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