listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
