I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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