I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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