Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i will never coherently bang her
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
