May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She needs sedatives and a leash
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
