Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
