literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
