Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick