Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.