apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.