I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
