there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
